How I'm Coping a Year and Five Months Since Losing My Mother

It is now just over a year and five months since my mother passed away from metastatic breast cancer. After losing my mother on May 27, 2020, I moved from the townhouse that my mother and I had lived in, to an apartment, and then finally back to the house I grew up in, in another state. During this grieving process, I went through many feelings of anger, betrayal, abandonment, depression and feeling loss.

In North Carolina, we were dealing with Covid and the lockdowns. Everything that I built around me to keep me sane wasn't there. The government made everyone scared of their shadows and when I needed my friends to be there for me, they were nowhere to be found. When I pushed back on the lockdown's downs, I was told by my so-called friends that I am too negative, that I don't care about anyone who has died from Covid, that I'm nothing but a punk, and that I have a different perspective than most people for not rushing out to get the third and fourth Covid booster. Not only did I have to deal with the loss of my mother, but I had to deal with the loss of those I called friends. Every single piece of my heart was shattered. I've had to learn how to let go, move on, care for myself, and how to live with a wound that will never be healed. I've had to learn how to take care of myself, and I’ve had to figure out how to cope with my grief daily.

It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve managed to find some ways to cope that have worked for me. In this blog post, I want to share some of the things that have helped me in hopes that they might help you, too.

It's been a little over a year since I lost my mother.

It has been a little over a year since my mother passed away. I think of her every day, and I miss her more than I could ever possibly put into words. Every day, I am reminded that she is gone, and I will never be able to see her or speak to her again. Even though she is no longer with me in physical form, I feel her presence and I know that it was she who led me to the Heart Gong. She also guided me to get my accreditation as an accredited sound healing practitioner. I even wrote a song in her honor titled, "Calming the Inner Storm."

It's been hard, but I have been trying to stay strong. I know that she would want me to be happy and to live my life to the fullest. I am grateful for the time I had with her, and I know that her memories will stay with me forever.

I still think about her every day.

I still think about her every day. I can't help it. I try to distract myself with projects, Gong Sound Immersions, Tibetan Singing Bowls, Hand pan, writing poetry, work, with anything that will take my mind off of her. But she's always there, in the back of my mind.

I wonder what she's doing, who she's with if she's happy. I try not to dwell on it, but I can't help it. I still think about her every day.

I miss her terribly, but I'm coping.

I know the pain will never go away completely. But I'm hopeful that, in time, it will get easier to bear.

Here's how I'm managing.

I started therapy not long after my mother passed away. Discussing my grief has been beneficial. I have also been journaling I wrote a poem titled, A New Beginning and wrote letters to my mom. To keep busy, I stay active with my hobbies, work on various projects, created my business, Julie Jewels Smoot LLC, play sound-healing instruments, create videos, and share my podcast. I also take care of myself by eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep. These things have helped me a lot and I am grateful for the progress I have made. However, I am aware that grief is something I will deal with for the rest of my life. Some days will be better than others.

I hope that by sharing my story, I can help others who are grieving.